It was easy for me to lose sight of my mother’s courage. She turned to me frequently for my opinions and advice during our years together. When I was young, I misunderstood her insightful and sensitive soul and chose to see her as unusually needy.

As I grew older, I sometimes reviewed in my mind, the many challenges that she had been given in her life. I was in awe of her accomplishments and her willingness to make changes. It was difficult to understand how this courageous, intelligent woman could also be so sensitive and vulnerable.

I had been conducting myself with the idea that courage meant hiding from my own vulnerabilities. Intellectually I knew that wasn’t true, but living that truth was not something I easily embraced.

The process of escorting my mother through her end of life, witnessing both her courage and vulnerabilities intertwined, gave me pause to consider, who would I become in her absence ? I began to experience an opening within myself, allowing the full force of my own courage and vulnerabilities to become intertwined while moving through me and outward into action and creative expression.

I love each new day and the promise of new beginnings that it brings.

I love the quiet of the night and the sight of the moon and stars.

I love the warmth from the sun and the shadows cast by the clouds.

I love thier shapes and the way they are transformed by the winds

and moved across the sky.

I love the sight of soaring birds

and the way they congregate and communicate.

I love the surprise of finding thier feathers along a trail,

reminding me that angels are near.

The power of faith is the power of love.

Thank you for the miracle that is on the way.

Thank you for the miracle that is each day.

It was a different kind of storm while my mother was in the hospital.

I stayed there with her over several days while we waited for information from the doctors.

Those few days felt like years.

She was anxious at times.The stillness of the evenings brought it out and she woke often,  wanting to talk with me about her worries. I was in a hospital lounge chair beside her bed for the duration of her stay. It had been suggested that I stay in her house and makes trips to the hospital during visiting hours. The thought of doing that was incomprehensible to me.

The storm at the hospital was centered around not knowing what was coming,  as much as it was about the sounds of footsteps, conversations and equipment being wheeled back and forth in the hallway.

The quiet moments were rare.The quiet moments were powerful.

Soaring gently through the sky

on a bird made by man,

A messenger arrived.He was large and loud.

A sense of joyous openness began stirring as I witnessed his freedom,

Thanks to faith.

This messenger turned to me out of a crowd and asked

“Do you see them?”

“see what?” I replied.

“The angels…..right there…dancing in the clouds”.

This person and I crossed paths on a day that was filled with uncertainty for me.I had spent the week before interviewing home hospice and caregiver organizations.The choice had to be made swiftly.I was taking my mother back to her home for her end of life journey.

In a matter of a couple of days everything was in place.It was a whirlwind that seemed to be happening in slow motion.

As soon as I was reasonably confident that my mom was safe and comfortable and that my stepfather was managing to accept all the dramatic changes taking place I flew back to my recently,former life to put it into some kind of order.

I met with my daughter and her dad to talk about was taking place.They offered their unconditional love and support.I met with my employer who had developed into a friend over the years.She too gave understanding and support.It was time to pack for an indefinite stay in my mom’s home.

In some ways I felt as if I’d just lost my sight.At the same time I felt more sure than I’d ever felt before in my life.I couldn’t see the next step,but I knew it would become clear as needed.I felt guided.

It isn’t the easy road that brings new light.

Suffering isn’t the same as choosing to to embrace self pity and bitterness.

To choose fearlessness is to choose faith.Accepting and moving through emotional and spiritual pain is what ignites and strengthens compassion.It helps to forge connections with our better selves and with those around us.It teaches that a single act does have a ripple effect.Again, strengthening compassion and encouraging us to step outside of ourselves.

The desire to push ourselves beyond the familiar and comfortable is born and reborn.Expansion of the mind and spirit follow.This brings a,seemingly,new light in hope and sense of purpose.

The light was there all along.It simply becomes dim at times when we nurture the ego over spirit and intuition.

One phone call and everything familiar was changed.I received word that my mother was being taken to the hospital.I was stunned.There had been very few clues to indicate any grave health issues and I knew better then to allow my self the luxury of speculation.My energy was needed for navigating new practical challenges,most of which I couldn’t even imagine.